


A Scream So Loud It’s Silent

by EriSkyHigh



Category: Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Not Epilogue Compliant, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sleepovers, Supportive friend, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:02:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23183695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EriSkyHigh/pseuds/EriSkyHigh
Summary: When people need help they ask, right? But what if they’re screaming out for help and no one hears them?Ken finds himself going through hard times, meanwhile, no one seems to notice. Can Daisuke catch on and help Ken before it’s too late?
Relationships: Ichijouji Ken/Motomiya Daisuke | Davis Motomiya
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	1. But you should never be embarrassed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature due to being focused around mental health concerns. 
> 
> If anything related to any of the tags upsets you, then you might wanna skip this one.
> 
> Stay safe.

Ken looked back at the stranger in the mirror. Sunken, dull eyes stared back at him. 

“Why am I doing this?”

Somewhere deep inside his head answered back, 

“Don’t you want to be perfect again?”

\---

As he did at the end of every school week, Daisuke sat at his desk tapping his foot frantically waiting for the day to be done with. This weekend he’d get to have Ken over his house for a sleepover. This was very exciting considering the last two weeks Ken had been so busy with schoolwork that they didn’t even have time to meet up once. It was now going on nearly three whole weeks since they last hung out!

Tap. Tap. Tap. Daisuke kept fidgeting in his seat, no longer paying any attention to the teacher - which wasn’t exactly a new development. 

When Daisuke mentioned the two of them meeting, Ken always seemed to have a sudden report due the next day. The only thing that kept Daisuke from not going over to Ken’s apartment anyway, was that he knew Ken would be upset with him in that silent frown he only ever gave Daisuke. The “I won’t say it but I’m not happy with you right now” face - not Daisuke’s favorite. It left him with mixed feelings of feeling happy Ken was comfortable enough to give him that look, but also guilt for having earned the look. So while Ken might have seemed a little off lately, Daisuke had assumed it was an overload of schoolwork that was the cause and just stayed out of the way - or he faced that look from Ken.

When the bell signaled the day was at an end Daisuke was the first one out the door before his friends could even call for him. He had already decided that morning he would meet Ken at his apartment and ride back together to his apartment - though Ken was unaware of Daisuke’s plans. It would be worth the trip to Tamachi and back. After all, this weekend Daisuke had the apartment to himself.

“Daisuke?” Standing at the apartment door was a confused Ken. “You didn’t tell me you were coming over.” Ken had already changed into his weekend outfit. A relaxed look with sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt - which secretly left Daisuke wished he had hurried over sooner because he rather liked seeing his school uniform on him. 

“Yeah, well. I wanted to help you pack and then ride the train together. It’ll make the train ride feel faster if we’re together!” Daisuke brushed past Ken and headed to his room waving to Ken’s mother as she greeted him. “Always a pleasure to have you over.” Mrs. Ichijouji was definitely still pleased to have Ken answering the door - and secretly knew it was Daisuke who allowed her son to be so kind again. Which met if Daisuke was lucky, she’d be bringing them snacks before they had to leave for the train.

Entering the room, Daisuke started to pack. “We just need to grab your clothes and we can catch the next train if we hurry.” Following behind him, Ken entered the room and shut the door. 

“I can pack myself. Please, don’t inconvenience yourself.”

“I’m telling you for the last time, I only do these things because I want to. Let me help you, Ken.” Ken turned his red face away, but not before Daisuke caught the glimpse of a small smile. He really didn’t mind helping Ken. It was just another excuse to be around his best friend even more. 

“Thank you.”

As soon as the boys were finished packing everything they would need for their weekend, Ken’s mother knocked at the door. “Ken honey, would you boys like some snacks?”

Daisuke’s face lit up; there were few things he could say no to, and Mrs. Ichijouji’s snacks were one of those things. It was his lucky day! “No thank you, Momma. We’re already on our way out. We’ll grab a snack later.” Daisuke's face dropped a little at Ken’s response. 'Damn. No snacks,' he thought. Maybe this wasn’t perfect, but he still had Ken.

Luckily, as Daisuke had said earlier, they were able to catch the next train to Odaiba. “Ken” Daisuke was serious as he looked deep into Ken’s face. “Uhm? Motomia?” He leaned over Ken sitting next to him on the train. Their eyes locked and he held the glance for as long as he could before he spoke again.

“Why did you turn down those snacks? Don’t you know how much I love your mom’s snacks?” he didn’t mean to shout but it still came out that way.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t hungry.“ Ken looked away, “And I thought we were in a rush to catch the next train.”

“Oh, we were! But, snacks.” Daisuke leaned back, throwing his head back far enough to knock it on the window. “Fine. We’ll eat at my house.”

Something was off about Ken - Daisuke could feel it. His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and he seemed distant. Yet unlike in the past when Ken would shy away from human contact, he was here with Daisuke. So Daisuke kept telling himself that whatever it was couldn’t be that bad. Clearly Ken was here, trying. 

When he went to grab Ken’s hand on the way back from the station Ken had pulled away. It was in one of those nonchalant ways where Ken would reach up and tug at his hair to play it off. But Daisuke caught it nonetheless. He always did. 

“Hey, Ken? Wanna race?” If Ken was going to be distant in his own head, then the next best thing was for Daisuke to pull him back into reality and a simple race may do just that.

Smirking, “If you’re in the mood to lose again, then sure.” Ken took off running.

Daisuke caught off guard, took off after him. For once they may have been equally matched because Ken had the disadvantage of carrying the heavy bag while Daisuke, who hardly ever brought study materials home for the weekend, has a much lighter bag.

Turning the corner Daisuke started to take the lead. This was it! He knew it would be close but he was going to win this time! He raced up the stairs and didn’t stop until he was at his apartment door. He finally beat Ken Ichijouji.

Until he turned to see Ken missing. He started to walk back and found Ken sitting halfway up the stairs. “Ken?”

Ken looked up. Out of breath and holding a hand to his head.”Ken! What’s wrong?” Daisuke was at his side in a heartbeat.

“I’m - s-sorry, Dai-Daisuke.” Ken puffed out the words between breaths. 

“What happened? Did you faint?”

“I just,” Daisuke helped Ken to his feet, “I just got a little tired was all. Plus I thought I’d let you win for once.”

“Hey!” In Daisuke’s arms, Ken felt heavy. As if Ken wasn’t strong enough to support his own weight on this own legs anymore. “Let’s go inside and grab something to eat.”

Walking up the last bit of stairs Ken adjusted the bag on his shoulders and said, “I’m not hungry. Maybe we just watch a movie instead?”

“Horror?”

“I guess since you won, I should let you pick this time.” teased Ken. Even though he seemed exhausted, he still had enough energy for teasing.

Once inside the two had made themselves comfortable on the couch and Daisuke had started the movie. It was some horror movie he’d seen a dozen times already, but this way he could focus on Ken - who would be too focused on the movie the entire time to notice. Ken knew of Daisuke’s habit of wanting to talk about every detail of the movie afterward, and he would always pay enough attention so he could play a better role in the conversation besides just nodding in agreement. Just another way Ken showed he cared.

Daisuke popped some popcorn into his mouth and studied Ken. He looked tired; the schoolwork must have been harder than he let on. As the music of the movie set the mood, Daisuke thought Ken might be getting hungry. He slid the bowl into Ken’s lap to share but Ken jumped back whispering, “no,” under his breath, knocking the bowl into the air.

Popcorn flew everywhere.

“Ah! I’m sorry!”

“No, no! It’s fine. I shouldn’t have done that during a horror movie!”

“It wasn’t that.”

“Come again?” Ken bent down to pick up popcorn off the floor. “What was it then, Ken?”

“N-nothing.” Daisuke wasn’t convinced and Ken knew it. “I’m just tired. I think I’d like to get to bed early tonight.”

“But it’s barely seven.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nope! Stop apologizing, Ken. It’s fine. Go in the room and I’ll clean this up. I’ll be right behind you.” Daisuke demanded as he gave in. Maybe under the protection of the darkened room, he’d have more luck getting Ken to open up.

By the time the popcorn mess was cleaned up and the movie put away, Daisuke went into the room. Opening the door he found Ken changing into his pajamas - a baggy shirt, and about to step into an equally as baggy pair of pants. But on Ken’s legs, he saw bruises.

“Ken! Your legs!” The shout caused Ken to jump into his pants and turn away. This was not, however, the response Daisuke wanted. He marched over and grabbed Ken’s wrist. “Wait, talk to me.” And froze in shock, even pulling his hand back.

“Ken.” Daisuke’s voice was now above a whisper. “Your arm. It’s boney.”

“I’m fine.” A pained look flashed on Ken’s face. If Daisuke had to guess why it would be because he was hiding something and didn’t want Daisuke knowing what it was.

“You nearly fainted on the stairs earlier. And now the bruising and,” Daisuke’s brain tried to piece the puzzle together. “I don’t get it. What’s going on with you?”

“Daisuke, I can explain.” Ken was tired, his body was frail and bruised like it couldn’t support its weight or heal itself. How could Ken have become so weak in only three weeks, unless?

“Ken, are you eating?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a simple question. What will he say?
> 
> Please stay safe everyone. If you need help, reach out to someone you trust.


	2. By your trouble with living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anything in the last chapter was uncomfortable to read then please do NOT read this one.
> 
> Please use your best judgment when deciding to move forward and stay safe.

Ken stood, hardly breathing; willing himself to put his answer into words. Maybe he was or maybe he wasn’t. But did it really matter in the end? 

His classmates, ‘Look. Nearly everyone beat Ichijouji.’ No comment on his return home, but comments on his test scores. 

Nearly every teacher, ‘These grades aren’t what we expect from you.’ As if he was the only student that needed to pull his grades up.

‘Maybe if you studied more or had more rest, you could pull the grades up.’ His supportive parents would try to hide the shame of having their son be average. 

Maybe the truth was Ken only tried to find more time to study. Skipping a meal wasn’t a problem but a lack of studying was. 

‘It’s like he’s normal now.’ Whispers in the hallways. 

‘Hard to imagine we used to look up to him.’ His so-called fútbol teammates. 

It was clear to Ken that he was letting people down. He was letting himself down. All his hard work and days spent studying wasted - sure, it was partly the dark spore to blame. Yet Ken had still earned his place at the top. Now he was nothing again, just living in a shadow. 

But what was once his brother’s shadow, was now his own. 

Ken didn’t have any say over if he got the dark spore or not. He couldn’t help that he’d been tricked into thinking the digital world was a game. Nothing would bring Osamu back. 

“Daisuke,” He couldn’t look at him. “I’m fine.” It wasn’t a lie. At least not completely - Ken wanted to believe it. Truth be told, he might have been speaking more to himself than to Daisuke; yet it wasn’t enough to please Daisuke because he soon, much to Ken’s discomfort, closed the little distance between them and reached for Ken’s hand. 

“Ken.”

“Don’t touch me!” Ken pulled his arms out of reach, wrapping them tightly around himself. Simultaneously Daisuke’s arms flew up on either side of his head in defeat. 

Beseechingly Daisuke tried to reason with him. “Ken, please. I lo- you’re my best friend. Let me help you. I want to be here for you. No matter what it is.” 

“I don’t always need you to come and rescue me. I can do things on my own too. I want to do it on my own this time.”

When Daisuke didn’t react, Ken could feel the burning embarrassment on the tips of his ears. “I always rely on help from you. I want to do it myself this time.”

“Listen, Ken, I don’t think that’s right.” His arms had fallen by this point, with one hand grabbing the back of his neck as the brunette slowly pieced together his thoughts. “You normally try to do things alone first. When I help you always have a hard time letting me in. So, by letting me help this time would be different.”

‘Letting Daisuke help me, would be different?’ The thought seemed so simple but during the entire ideal, Ken hadn’t once concerned it. He knew he didn’t want to rely on Daisuke - or anyone. He wanted to be in control. 

Slowly shaking his head side to side Ken’s voice was hardly above a whisper. “Please, don’t. I can handle this.”

“What exactly is this?” Daisuke questioned as lightly as he could muster. “Tell me.” It was a request, not a demand.

“Daisuke, I just...” Daisuke nodded slowly as if telling Ken it was okay to go on. “It was only one at first.”

When it appeared Ken wasn’t going to finish the thought, Daisuke pushed further. “Only one what?”

Ken flinched. “One meal.”

“You skipped a meal?”

Ken nodded. “Dinner. I needed to study. My grades aren’t where they need to be.” Ken wrapped his arms around himself.

“For how long?” Ken squeezed his eyes shut, which didn’t stop Daisuke but did make him speak softer. “How long have you been skipping meals?”

Ken couldn’t answer. Shaking his head side to side, Ken’s knees gave out. “No. No. I can’t do this!” Daisuke was at his side in an instant - hands still pulled back as to avoid upsetting Ken further.

“Ken, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here.” Ken’s hands reached out and grabbed Daisuke’s shirt - signaling to Daisuke it was safe to warp Ken up in a tight hug. 

“I can’t do this. This can’t be happening.” Ken was crying.

“What can’t you do?” 

“This! It’s a girl problem!” Daisuke grabbed Ken’s arms and pushed him away enough to see his face.

“Stop that!” Looking back at him was an angry face Ken hadn’t seen since his old days as Kaiser. “Anyone can struggle with this!” Daisuke shook Ken slightly as if trying to shake the logic into his head.

“I’m sorry.” Ken’s head dropped. “I’m letting everyone down.”

“You could never let me down, Ken.” Daisuke was back to his friendly self, with soft features. “I just want to be here for you.”

Daisuke shifted to sitting on his feet, which allowed him to more easily pull Ken into another tight hug, with his arms wrapped protectively around the taller boy. He held him while Ken tried to regain his thoughts. “Several months ago it was only one meal; every now and then. Just to give me more time to study.” Daisuke nodded, staying silent. “Until it was most meals.”

“Hey, Ken?” He tilted his head up to look Daisuke in the eyes. He knew the next question on Daisuke’s mind.

“You want to know for how long it's been?” Daisuke nodded. “Since I’ve been skipping nearly everything, maybe...” Ken paused. Suddenly feeling uneasy about having to admit this out loud. “Three weeks?”

It clicked for Daisuke. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Ken shut his eyes. He couldn’t look at Daisuke right now. Over the past few months, all of Ken’s hard work had paid off. His grades had improved from the extra studying. At the same time, his speed on the field had gotten worse, and the ball left his legs with bruises that weren’t healing as quickly as normal. “I’m still eating.” Daisuke pouted. The feeling of knowing Ken was letting Daisuke down was making it hard to remain open about this subject. “A snack each day. I really do.” 

“We both know that’s not enough.” Daisuke’s words were more of a statement - not dripping with judgment like Ken half expected. 

Ken leaned back down into Daisuke, with his head resting in the crook of Daisuke’s neck. Deep down Ken knew what he was doing was wrong. His body was screaming that at him every time he felt light-headed or nauseous. But in-the-moment it always felt okay to do - hell in those moments it felt empowering to skip a meal. 

“That’s it.” Daisuke suddenly stood up and grabbed Ken’s hand. 

“Daisuke?”

“Come on. We don’t need to be sitting on the floor.” He led Ken to the bed. Quickly wrapping a blanket around the two in an effort to make Ken feel more supported. Once finished, he took Ken’s shaking hand and leaned back against the wall. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna listen to everything you’re willing to share.”

Hesitantly Ken nodded and leaned over enough so he could rest his head on Daisuke’s shoulder - a difficult task for the taller boy. This way at least they couldn’t make eye contact, Ken figured.

Gripping Ken’s hand tightly, Daisuke asked, “why do you do it?”

“I- I don’t know.” It was an honest answer. “It makes me feel like I’m in control for once.”

“In control of what?” Daisuke’s question was sincere. While he knew Ken struggled to accept things in his life, he also thought Ken had moved past them. After all, Ken wasn’t the type to talk about things that happened in the past. But maybe that was the problem. 

“I don’t know that either.” It came out harshly. Ken brought his knees up and used them to prompt up his elbows, hands covering his face. “I used to know everything back then. Everyone thought I was perfect. Now I do things and don’t even understand why.” Daisuke noticed a tear on Ken’s cheek. 

“Nobody’s perfect. So you don’t have to be. I love you. I love you just as you are.” He slowly brought his hand up to Ken’s face to wipe the tears. Slow enough to give Ken time to ask him to stop if he needed it. 

Ken turned to face Daisuke. “My grades are too low. Everyone expects me to be at the top of the class still, which is why I need to keep studying. I need to practice more too - I’m letting the fútbol team down. I’ve gotten slower.” 

Daisuke nodded as he listened. Ken’s body was struggling to keep going - that's why Ken couldn’t beat him home earlier. “Ken?”

“Please don’t say it.” Ken lightly shut his eyes and prepared himself for what he knew was coming. 

“But Ken, I think we need to tell your parents.” 

Ken squeezes his eyes shut and hugged his knees - fighting away the tears. This was exactly why Ken didn’t want Daisuke to know what he was doing. But he also knew there wasn’t a way to convince Daisuke to change his mind or drop the subject. 

“I’ll be there with you. If you want me to.”

Ken did a quick nod before throwing himself into Daisuke’s arms to cry. The brunette wrapped his arms in response - and they sat there in silence as Ken cried. 

“Daisuke?” 

Caught off guard by the broken silence, Daisuke pulled back to see Ken’s face. “Hm?” Puffy from crying, it was also bright red. 

“I love you too.” 

“You, you love me?” Daisuke stuttered, his face glowing a bright red. “I mean. Yes. I, I love you too!” It appeared as if Daisuke, in the heat of the moment, hadn’t even realized he had said it earlier. 

The smallest of smiles grew on Ken’s face. Leave it to him to not ignore Daisuke’s earlier confession. 

Ken looked down and wiped his face. “Ken, are you okay?” Daisuke already knew the answer. Confessions aside, they still had to get Ken some help. This wasn’t going to be something that would just go away. 

Ken leaned back down into Daisuke’s arms and buried his face.

“No. I’m not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I wrote the full story to hit the way I wanted it to but ah well. I’m illiterate guys. Can’t improve if I don’t try. 
> 
> Stay safe. Remember to reach out for help if you need it. And encourage others to do the same. It gets better.


End file.
